SPIRITUAL LOVE is the LIFE FORCE of the HOLY SPIRIT

The Holy Spirit is the Comforter that speaks with the Inner Voice. The Inner Voice of the Holy Spirit guides the seeker to the Soul.

PETE'S JOURNAL, December 2000

12-1-00
Fasting today. Blew fast. I have lost contact with my Voice of my Holy Spirit again. It has occurred to me that I may be unconsciously desiring to eat to avoid dealing with my Inner Voice. There have been several suggestions from the Voice that have made me uncomfortable in the past few days. The things suggested were good ideas and I wanted to implement them, but not just yet, and consequently I feel guilty.

The whole idea of giving up or even sharing sovereignty over myself with a new and different voice (which is really me) in my mind is very unnerving. I have hoped and prayed all my life to hear the Voice of God, the Voice of my own Soul, the Holy Spirit, and when I do hear it, I begin defending myself against It. It sounds crazy, and it is crazy, and I'm really feeling the bind. When I do hear the Voice, It has three main themes----be patient, fast and exercise.

I have always been a bit balky when people try to tell me what to do. But this is the voice of the, "REAL BOSS", THE HOLY SPIRIT, THE GOD WITHIN ME and here I am fooling around and saying, "OK, but not just yet." I'm feeling very frustrated, with myself, and a bit confused. I feel blessed and undeserving at the same time. Split! I'm on the path!!! I keep wanting to justify my stupidity. I have read that my reaction is quite common when first dealing with the Inner Voice of the Holy Spirit.

12-2-00
Fasting today. Failed.

12-3-00
Fasting today. Just going to go ahead and eat.(7am) Actually I ended up fasting today. Went to a huge arts and crafts fair yesterday. I found several great Christmas gifts for Juanita. Then, I picked up Juanita that evening, and took her to the fair and showed her all the things I liked. Saved Santa a lot of work! :-)))

I have been browsing through my small bookshelf of spiritual books to find information about first encounters with the Inner Voice/Holy Spirit. I have found some sources and it appears that I am not as crazy as I think. What I am experiencing happens to many people. Like myself, many people at first, feel threatened by the presence of the Holy Spirit within themselves.

***

From the very depths of my heart I called out for help. I had no one but God to turn to. "Be still and know that I am God." The voice was quite clear, and I turned to see who had spoken. It couldn't have been Peter or Sheena, and there was no one else in the room.

The voice was inside my head. Was I going crazy? I sat very still, rigid with fear, my eyes tight shut. The voice went on: "You have taken a very big step in your life. But if you follow My voice all will be well. Don't be afraid, for I am with you."

When we came out of the sanctuary, I said shakily, "I had a peculiar, terrible experience in there. I heard a voice speaking to me. It was inside me. I'm afraid I'm going insane." I told Peter and Sheena everything, expecting them to dismiss me as a neurotic. Instead they listened intently. "This is marvelous, Eileen!" was Sheena's response when I finished. "It confirms everything. Now I'm certain that God brought you and Peter together." From: Flight into Freedom, by Eileen Caddy (Co-founder of Findhorn)

***

I am beginning to suspect that everyone at Findhorn in one way or another is exploring God, and Eileen represents the ultimate earthly voyage. She will never turn back now. She is Mary the Mystic.

Her knowledge of the esoteric and occult could be written on a spoon. Everything she "knows" comes from contemplative and meditative states in which she hears a voice.

Those who have traveled the world mastering exotic and esoteric techniques to heighten awareness come to Findhorn and see a woman who does nothing but "sit and listen." Sit and listen.

That might be the hardest one of all. It sounds easy, but it was paid for dearly. According to mystics, when all else is given to God, the mind, unprepared for the Soul's journey, rebels and screams because it is unable to discern between the smaller death and the greater life. The mind goes mad, insane with fear, hate, loathing, and blackness.

On the path to mystical awareness, the greatest threat to its emergence is at the threshold. Everything is stripped from the soul. It is engorged by God, and the personality falls into the void, collapses in frustrated and fearful unknowing, to burn in the fires of mutilated hope, despair, and anguish.

All is surrendered; anything placed above God is ripped away. The "night" can last a single day or a lifetime. It is over when there is complete surrender, when our "greatness" is but dust before God's feet.

From: The Magic of Finhorn by Paul Hawken

"If man would come to know the greater stranger... himself, let him enter his own closet and shut the door. There he will find his most dangerous enemy, [the ego-personality] and there he will learn to master him. He will find his true self. [the Soul... his Holy Spirit] There he will find his truest friend, his wisest teacher, his safest adviser... himself."

"There he will find the altar upon which God is the undying fire, the source of all goodness, all strength, all power... himself. He will know that God is in the deepest part of the silence. He will find that within himself abides the Holy of Holies. [the Holy Spirit] He will feel and know that his every desire is in God's mind and is therefore God's desire."

"He will feel and know the closeness of the relationship of God and man, the Father and the Son. He will realize that only in consciousness has there been a separation of these which have seemed two... just as his spirit and his body have seemed to be two... but which in reality are one."

"To realize that God is the only power, substance, and intelligence may be confusing at first. But when man does realize the true nature of God and brings him forth into active expression, he will use this power at all times."

From: The Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East.

I found the following quote in another source: "It is only when one's identity shifts to the Holy Spirit's thought system that the Atonement [at-one-ment] can be accepted with joy, rather than terror."

Third source: "...if you are willing to follow the Holy Spirit through seeming terror, trusting Him not to abandon you and leave you there. For it is not His [the Holy Spirit] purpose to frighten you, but only yours [the ego or personal self]. You are severely tempted to abandon Him [the Holy Spirit] at the outside ring of fear, but he would lead you safely through and far beyond."

And again: "The way is not hard, but it is very different. Yours [the ego] is the way of pain, of which god knows nothing. That way is hard indeed, and very lonely. Fear and grief are your guests, and they go with you and abide with you on the way. But the dark journey is not the way of God's son. Walk in the light and do not see the dark companions [the ego and other inner voices], for they are not fit companions for the Son of God, who was created of light and in light. The Great Light always surrounds you and shines out from you [your Holy Spirit]. How can you see the dark companions in light such as this. If you see them, it is only because you are denying the light. But deny them instead, for the light is here and the way is clear."

"God hides nothing from His Son, even though His Son would hide himself. Yet the Son of God cannot hide his glory, for God wills him to be glorious, and gave him the light that shines in him. You will never lose your way, for God leads you. When you wander, you undertake a journey that is not real. The dark companions, the dark way, are all illusions. Turn toward the light, for the little spark in you is part of a Light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever. For your Father is your Creator, and you are like him."

"The children of light cannot abide in darkness, for darkness is not in them. Do not be deceived by dark comforters, and never let them enter the mind of God's Son, for they have no place in His [God's] temple. When you are tempted to deny Him, remember that there are no other gods [idols] to place before Him, and accept His Will for you in peace. For you cannot accept it otherwise."

The above excerpts are from: A Course in Miracles.

That last paragraph is very important. Once you hear the Voice, you have to accept It, and follow It's guidance, or live the rest of your life in denial and insanity. That has been my, 'bind',... accepting ...when there is nothing else I can do. I just can't understand why this is so hard for me, accepting God's love, guidance, help and companionship as opposed to the insanity of separation in this crazy world.

"Only God's Comforter [the voice of the Holy Ghost] can comfort you. In the quiet of His temple [your body] , He waits to give you the peace that is yours. Give His Peace, that you may enter the temple and find it waiting for you. But be Holy in the Presence of God, or you will not know that you are there. For what is unlike God cannot enter His Mind, because it is not His Thought and therefore does not belong to him."

"And your mind must be as pure as His, if you would know what belongs to you. Guard carefully His temple, for He Himself dwells there and abides in peace. You cannot enter God's Presence with dark companions beside you, but you cannot enter alone. [All people are one being, using One Mind... God's] All your brothers must enter with you, for until you have accepted them you cannot enter. For you cannot understand Wholeness unless you are whole, and no part of the Son [all people] can be excluded if he would know the Wholeness of his Father." From: A Course in Miracles.

From: GANDHI ON NON-VIOLENCE,
introduction by Thomas Merton

"God alone knows the mind of a person; and the duty of a man of God, is to act as he is directed by his inner voice."

After Juanita's days off, Monday and Tuesday, I am going to be more patient, fast and exercise. I do this willingly and with acceptance. I hope my stress level will go down and that I will be more physically and mentally comfortable. These references have helped to ease my mind a lot. I AM on the path.

My Inner Voice just gave me two more references He would like to be included in this discussion.

" As the false underpinnings [the ego's illusions] are given up, the equilibrium is temporarily experienced as unstable."

The next quote I looked for a long time last night, and when the Inner Voice suggested it to me just now, I opened the book to the exact page. Already, I'm beginning to like this,'accepting'. Thank you, Lord.

"Consider the faith represented by the mustard seed. It [faith] comes to us from the Universal, through the Christ within, which has already been born within us all. As a minute speck it [faith] enters through the Christ, or superconscious mind, the place of receptivity within ourselves. Then it must be carried to the mount or the highest within ourselves, the very top of the head. We must then allow the Holy Spirit to descend. Now comes the admonition,'Thou shalt love the Lord, thy God, with all thy heart, with all thy soul, with all thy strength and with all thy mind."

"Think! Does the meaning come? Heart, Soul, Strength, Mind. Is there anything to do at this point but to turn it all over to God, the Holy Spirit, the Whole-I-Spirit, in action. This Holy Spirit comes in many ways [inner voice, dreams, visions, inspired thoughts], perhaps as tiny entities tapping and seeking admittance."

"We must accept and allow this Holy Spirit to come in and unite with the minute point of light or seed of knowing and revolve around it and adhere to it just as particles of ice adhere to the central particle, and it will grow in form particle by particle, circle by circle, just as the ice, multiply and express that seed of knowing, until you are able to say to a mountain of difficulties, 'Be thou removed and cast into the sea,' and it will be done. That is God in expression thru the Christ in us."

12-4-00
A good friend had to go into a nursing home today. I felt really bad about it. With her particular health problems there was no way we could care for her.

12-5-00
Eating today. Birthday party for our little dog, Angel.(Papillon) All the dogs(5) and guests(3) had a great time.

12-6-00
Fasting today. Steam bath. Walked a mile. Went to town grocery shopping.

12-7-00
Fasting Today. Ate cleansing meal for supper. Worked around place. Walked a mile.

12-8-00
Fasting Today. Ate cleansing meal for supper. Worked around place. Walked a mile and did some exercises.

"When an individual starts for the Promised Land, the land of darkness must be forsaken, forgotten. He must leave the darkness and start toward the light. It is impossible to go and stay at the same time. The old must be forsaken, and the new adhered to. He must forget the things he does not wish to remember, and remember only the things he wishes to retain. One is as essential as the other."

"The vision only must be remembered if he wishes it fulfilled. He must remember by holding in mind the vision he wishes to reproduce. Every idea, thought, word or act must be true to the vision in order to bring it forth. This is true concentration, the concentration of devotion. The centering of the forces upon the essential. This is loving the ideal. It is only through love that the ideal can be given expression. Love makes the ideal become the real."

"If at first he fail, he must be determined and press on. This is the exercise of the will, the cry of self-confidence, the expression of faith directing the power toward the ideal. The ideal could never be attained without this conscious direction of power, this exercise of will, and yet it would be fatal to the ideal if the will, too, were not ideal. The will must possess the same quality as the ideal to serve. If the will does not possess the desire to serve, the power will wishes to direct cannot be released from the soul.

From: The Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East.

12-9-00
Eating today. Walked a mile. Went over to help our friends move to a retirement home.

12-10-00
Eating today. Walked 2 miles today. Trying to remember every minute of the day that I AM one with God. That I AM a Soul living in a physical body; the Son of God, the Christ. The Voice whispers to me often throughout the day, "Remember who you are." When I am talking and joking with a group of people, and all of a sudden I hear, "Remember who you are," it's like waking from a dream.

While talking, I am enjoying the humor and exchange, but I have lost the consciousness of my real self. And then with sudden awareness, I realize that it was my, " ego self," or my created personality that had been rattling on. The thing is to remember who you are every second.

12-11-00
Eating today. Juanita and I walked a mile this morning. Today is our 17th wedding anniversary and of our being in love. Happy years!

I had a vivid sexual dream last night. The dream was like a young mans fantasy. Very realistic. I was sitting at a bar and a beautiful young woman turns to me and says, "Lets go someplace else." I replied, "lets go." We went to her place which was in the upstairs of a large hay barn which was in use. (I came from a ranching family.) Her apartment which was a large open room, was very tastefully decorated. She moved to the bed undressed and lay down and asked me to join her. Which I did. (The dream continued.)

When I awoke this morning I thought about making love to my wife. The Voice whispered, " Remember who you are. You can take pleasure in your body--or, you can take pleasure in your spirit. If you choose the spirit's pleasure, the dreams will leave you sooner." I chose the latter. I hope these dreams will end soon.

I wonder if these sexual dreams are some kind of a test. A test of sexual temptation. I wonder what would have happened if I could have remembered in my dream state that I was a happily married man and very much in love with my wife. If I had said to the young lady, "Thank you asking, but I must be going home to my wife now."

After thinking about it a great deal I realize that having sex for pleasure like eating for pleasure can be very detrimental to a person. Sex for pleasure as opposed to the spirits reason for sex--procreation. Eating for pleasure as opposed the spirits reason for eating--proper nourishment of the body. People have sex because it feels good. People eat what they like because it tastes good not because what they are eating is good for them.

The following is the story of an elderly man's life and his words after enlightenment. "While in my youth I, like the greater portion of humanity, decided that there was but one life to live and that was the gratification of the self in every way; so I determined to get the most out of that life. I made self- seeking the principle aim in life and I gave animal passions full sway, with the results that I dissipated the life fluids of my body until it was an empty shell."

"Let us follow the life of a person from birth to the end, as so many look upon death. The child is born. It is unconscious of the life-carrying fluids which course through its body, as they are inactive because the organs that generate life fluids are inactive and not yet developed. During this stage of development, if the child is normal, it is beautiful, active, and bubbling over with life."

"The life fluids are built up stronger and stronger, until the child reaches the stage of development where the fluids are active, and they may be dissipated. If this dissipation takes place, in a few years the child begins to show age. The eyes lose their luster, the body its activity and grace; the features become set; in a few more years the brain loses its power to co-ordination with the muscles, and the body is that of a decrepit old man or woman, but the empty shell of the former self."

"Then take the person who has conserved all the life fluids and allowed them to circulate in their natural course through the body, and see how strong and vigorous that one is. If he does perceive that there is a greater scheme in God's plan for him, he will at all times conserve the life fluids in the body, as he soon finds that they are a necessary adjunct for perfect development."

"It was only a short time ago that your learned men began to know of the delicate system of arteries and veins composing the circulatory systems of your bodies. It is still left for them to determine that there is a far more delicate and subtle circulatory system throughout the body, which carries the life force to every atom. Through your nervous system this life force is sent to a set of cells in the brain.

"These cells in turn act as a distributor for the force and it is sent out to every atom in the body, along the nerves, for which it has an infinity. It also acts as a protection for the nerves. If the life force is dissipated, the cells become set, and cannot change for the new cells (that are formed to take their place) and the new cells are thrown off instead of the old ones, which gradually decompose and die. If the life force is conserved, the cells change as readily at five hundred years as at ten."

"The genius, as you consider him, as he begins to develop, has consciously or unconsciously acquired the ability to conserve and send the life forces in their purity through their natural channels; this condition has animated his body and creative faculty, and he sees that there is something higher for him to express than the ordinary. While he conserves the life forces and gives them free rein, he will go on to more and more glorious achievements; but if he allows sex lust to creep in, he quickly loses his creative power."

"The body has been first built up by conserving the life forces until the cells are of a finer texture than the lower order of person who has dissipated the life force. By this time the genius has risen to fame, and not having developed his deeper perceptive or God power, is carried away by self-glory. He forsakes his guiding light because he has not been fully awakened; in the urge for greater excitement, he begins to dissipate the life forces, and quickly loses all power."

"For if a man does raise his thought above the animal passions, and conserves the life forces until the body has begun to take on the finer texture, then allows himself to fall back, he will go back much more rapidly than one that has not been thus awakened."

"When one has been awakened so that he will conserve all the life forces and let them be distributed to the nerves in the natural way, then let them go coursing along the nerves to every atom in the body, without deforming it with thoughts of sex-lust or passion, the exhilaration will be permanent, and the sensation will far transcend that of sex. The serpent will be lifted up and will not need to crawl on its belly through the murk and mire of lust and passion."

"If man could understand that this life fluid is many times more vital than a corresponding amount of pure blood, he would conserve instead of dissipating it. But he shuts his eyes to this fact ( he may be entirely ignorant of it ) and goes on, either in blindness or ignorance, until the Reaper arrives. Then a wail goes up, for he does not admire the harvest."

From: The Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East.

12-12-00
Eating today. Walked a mile. Worked on long overdue maintenance and repair on cars today.

12-13-00
Fasting today. Broke fast this evening with a salad and spaghetti sauce over bread. Walked two miles this morning. Went to town to buy some supplies, groceries and do laundry. Poured rain. Steam bath and swim.

12-14-00
Eating today. Walked a mile. Worked in barn today with Cole straightening out tools.

12-15-00
Eating today. Walked a mile. Had a 4 hour computer tutorial from an old friend who is an absolute genius on a computer.

12-16-00
Eating today. Walked a mile. Practiced a lot on computer, checking out my notes from tutorial. Everything checked out.

12-17-00 to 12-19-00
Eating. Sick in bed with flu.

12-20-00
Eating. Feeling some better today. Walked a mile this morning. Went to town grocery shopping, had steam bath and swim. Sister, our oldest dog (13), had a stroke today. Cocked head, continuous eye movement from side to side, back legs very weak, staggers and walks at an angle.

She is able to go outside to relieve herself. Took her to town today, she seemed to have a good time. We think she is making a good recovery. We had a cat named Beau that had a stroke when he was six years old and recovered fairly well and lived ten more years.

12-21-00
Eating today. Walked a mile+ today. I'm feeling better but not fully recovered. Sister getting around better today. Computer tutorial again in the morning.

A great deal of new spiritual information coming daily. And, I am also experiencing some sort of, 'time compression.' I have had two of these experiences in the past few days but can only remember one. My wife called me to tell me she was on her way home, from a place about 30 minutes away. In my experience she arrived about 5 minutes later.

I was shocked and pleasantly surprised at the same time. I hurried out to her car and blurted, "How did you get here so fast?" My wife replied, "What do you mean?" I said, I just talked to you 5 minutes ago and you were at the Mountain and now here you are at home. And she said no that we had talked about 30 minutes ago. Interesting! Maybe my illusion of linear time is beginning to show some cracks.

The sexual dreams have stopped completely.

12-22-00
Eating today. Walked a mile. Drizzling rain. Went to computer tutorial at 8am finished at noon. Great session! My computing ability goes up by about the power of 4 after each session.

12-23-00
Eating today. Walked 2 miles today. I am up and around all day, but still have the flu. Sister gaining.

"There is but one God, one Christ, One Union, One man; One general household, all brothers and sisters, all One." Everything is included in the One. God is One. ALL. If a person can grasp this, they are beginning to break through the illusion of man made reality. The Holy Spirit speaks to me daily.

12-24-00
Eating today. Walked 2 miles+. Sister really gaining--running around outside. I still feel pretty rough from flu.

12-25-00
Merry Christmas. Eating today. Walked a mile +. Drank a six pack of beer with a friend last night. Christmas dinner with a tofu turkey planned for this evening. Having Cole over for the evening--dinner and the exchange of presents. Christmas dinner was a really happy gathering. Later that evening we listened to music from the 20's through the Beatles, and opened our gifts. Thumbs down on tofu turkey.

12-26-00
Eating today. Cole, Juanita and I walked a mile+ this morning. Ate leftovers. Steam bath.

12-27-00
Eating, morning walk with Cole and Juanita, cleaned up yard, not feeling well.

12-28-00
Eating, Juanita Dr.'s appt. steam bath, afternoon dentist, ate out.

12-29-00
Eating, computer tutorial, laundry, shopping, Juanita Dr. appt., ate out.

12-30-00
Eating, Cole and I went to breakfast, worked on computer notes.

12-31-00
Eating, ate out. I pray to the Holy Spirit of God for guidance throughout the coming year. May God Bless Us All.

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